


Insight

by Nears_my_boytoy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Depression, Low Self Esteem, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Phil is blind AU, Read at Your Own Risk, involves self harm, triggering content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 03:36:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6595003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nears_my_boytoy/pseuds/Nears_my_boytoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan is exhausted. Of being alone, of being unwanted, and hating himself. But what he hates more than himself is this stupid facility. But a boy with soft features and seemingly endless blue eyes makes it a little better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Insight

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the novel and movie adaptation; "It's Kind of a Funny Story," and the movie "Mask."

Dan was always a sucker for Disney movies. He loved the idea of Prince Charming, always there in a moment's notice to sweep the damsel in distress off her feet and to safety. He knew that he was supposed to be the prince charming, but he always pictured himself being whisked away by a handsome prince rather doing the whisking.

At age 8, he thought prince Florian was pretty.

At age 12, Dan knew he was different. He didn't like girls, not really. He thought they were beautiful, but he liked the feeling of glancing at the cute boys in class and swiftly looking away when he assumed they would notice. It was exhilarating. If girls saw him do it, they would just giggle. It wasn't as fun.

At age 14, everyone else knew Dan was different as well. The girls stopped giggling at him, and they boys stopped smiling at him when they caught him staring. Now they looked away uncomfortably, or gave him a harsh glare. He didn't know which one hurt more.

At age 15, he slit his wrist for the first time. He didn't know what the people over Tumblr had been talking about. This wasn't a relief, it just hurt, and stung long afterwards, yet a day later he went back to it, and became addicted anyways.

At age 16, Dan tried to kill himself. It didn't work, he vomited the pills up laid in bed for the next day and a half. Nobody found out what he'd tried to do.

At age 17, Dan was admitted to a Hospital Facility for troubled youth. His parents came home early. They weren't supposed to. His mother cried and his father avoided his gaze. He ended up here, where he would stay for as long as they felt he needed to.

"Welcome, Daniel." A chipper looking nurse said to him. He was sitting on a small bed, his stomach felt deflated from the pills having to be pumped from his system. He ever so badly wanted to die.

"It's just Dan, if you don't mind." He replied, groaning slightly from the pain in his stomach. Despite feeling at his absolute lowest, he could never find it in himself to be anything less than polite. He imagined an outburst ruining this nurse's entire mood, and he inwardly cringed.

"Right, Dan, if you'll please follow me." She said, signalling with her hand for him to follow, but gave no indication that she would be telling him where she was taking him.

He followed wordlessly, noticing people passing by them and stared down, watching the end of her pink dress swish as she walked. He thought to himself how staring at this nurse's arse with her semi short dress was any straight guy's dream. This made him feel slightly worse. Why couldn't he have just been straight?

He wanted to hate everyone at his school, for yelling "fag" at him in the hallways, for giving him convicting looks as he passed, and for driving him to the point of suicide, but he couldn't find himself to do that. He didn't think he could hate anybody, really. Not even that girl Reagan, who insisted on taping pictures of gay porn to his locker every second day. It wasn't even the good kind of porn, but he wouldn't say that to her.

This facility would be even worse. There were less people, which either meant less bullying or less chance of escape. He was more or less stuck here, all because his parents had found him before he was dead. Pathetic.

"This is your room."

A voice snapped him from his thoughts, and he looked up to see the Nurse looking at him with a grin on her face. He looked to see they were standing in front of a room, a room that looked exactly like the other rooms lining the wall, only a different number. #307.

She knocked, and that was when Dan realized that he'd have a roommate.

"There's another boy who you'll be sharing a room with, he's very lovely."

Terror struck Dan at the thought of sharing a room with a boy. What if this boy found out he was gay? He would be uncomfortable with him, and he'd have no chance of making friends. Even worse, having a roommate meant he was forced to socialize.

She peeked through the door, opening it wider and looking back at him. "It seems that he's out for now. Probably with his friends."

Great, this guy already had friends that he was out with and not in his- their room. He was doomed.

He followed her inside, noticing that she hadn't turned on the light switch but didn't say anything about it. The room was painted grey, the floors carpeted. There were two beds, but the room was fairly small so there wasn't much space between them, other than a sad excuse for a dresser. There was one single closet, and from what Dan could see it was half filled with clothes already, most of it being shirts with odd patterns on them. His roommate seemed like a character. 

"Your parents will be here in the evening to drop your things off, but until then you'll just have to borrow one of Phil's shirts." 

When he first arrived, which wasn't more than an hour ago, they had told him to remove his shoes and his pocket knife as well as his shirt, since it had small spikes on the shoulders. He wasn't allowed to have anything that he could potentially harm himself with, including shoelaces. 

"Won't he notice?" Dan asked nervously, although eager to rid himself of the ugly white shirt he was currently wearing, which was about 3 sizes too big for him. 

She paid no mind to him though, rummaging through the closet and pulling out a navy blue shirt that was decorated with jellyfish and tossing it at him. "He won't notice." She said with a wink. 

Dan thought that was absurd, because how could you _not_ notice somebody wearing your shirt?

"I'll let you get changed, and then we'll go to circle group. It's in five minutes." 

Before Dan could say anything, she'd closed the door and was gone. He felt a strong sense of dread. Circle group seemed like an activity in which he would be forced to socialize. 

He shrugged on the shirt and scoffed at all the damn jellyfish, catching a whiff of the scent attached to it but tried not to think about how pleasant it smelled before slowly opening the door to see the nurse there waiting for him. 

She smiled, offering him her arm. "You ready?" 

He nodded solemnly, but didn't take her offered arm. He didn't want to hurt her feelings, but he didn't want to be touched at the moment either. 

They passed by more nurses who waved, but Dan kept his eyes partially to the ground. They reached a room that was only surrounded by glass walls. From what Dan could see, there were about 10 or 15 people sitting round in a circle, with a middle aged man with glasses sat in the middle. 

The nurse opening the door, making everyone look up in his direction. He wanted to throw up at the attention he was currently getting. 

"Ah! You must be Daniel." The man in the middle of the circle stood up, walking towards him and offering him his hand to shake. 

"I-it's just Dan." Dan replied shakily, grabbing his hand and feeling the strong, hearty shake throughout his whole arm. 

"Welcome, Dan." His voice boomed, and he extended his hand to the circle of people, still staring at him. "You can sit between Jessa and Samuel." 

On cue, two people shifted apart to make a small space for Dan to sit. He slowly walked over, siting down and avoiding the eye contact that he noticed nobody was trying to make. 

"Now Dan, would you like to introduce yourself? Perhaps tell us what landed you here?" 

Dan shook his head, staring at the floor. He could feel all eyes on him, it burned into him as if he was an ant under a hot magnifying glass. 

"That's fine, we don't force anyone to tell what's happened to them, you can open up on your own time." Dan could almost hear the warm smile behind the words. "Would you like to tell us something about yourself, favourite color?" 

Dan shrugged, but stayed quiet. He really hated being put on the spot. 

"Alright then, Stacey, why don't you introduce yourself and tell us something about yourself. We'll go around the circle." 

Dan tensed. Now he couldnt' get out of speaking to this group of people he didn't know. 

"Sure." A girl with mousey brown hair across the room spoke. She looked as if she hadn't showered in days. "I'm Stacey, last name Milligan. I really love food." She glared at another girl three people away from her as she said it, smirking as she sat back down. 

"I'm Damien." This time a boy with long black hair was speaking, his eyes were hidden behind his hair. "I have a dog named Homer." 

Dan barely listened to any of them, until a girl with bright red hair began speaking. Her eyes were a color of green that you would only find growing on dead organisms, and she didn't look too far from being dead herself. She was skeletal, and then Dan realized why Stacey had glared at her earlier. 

"I'm Iris, and I like drawing." 

That was all she said, until the boy next to her began speaking. Dan didn't know why he hadn't noticed him before. He was gorgeous, to say the least. His black hair was styled in a fringe, similar to Dan, and his eyes were ice blue. Dan would never compare blue eyes to ice, because he thought it was cliche, but in this instance it called for it. The boy's eyes looked glazed over, like ice. Dan was far away enough that he could't see his pupils, but wondered briefly whether he had any at all. 

"I'm Phil, and I like lions." The boy said, smiling at nothing in particular. 

That must be Phil, his roommate. But surprisingly, the nurse had been right. He hadn't noticed that he was wearing his shirt. 

A few introductions later, it was Dan's turn once again. He swallowed grimly, feeling his body shaking but trying to hide it as best he could. 

"Uhm, I'm D-dan. And I like the color black." He said, hugging his knees to his chest and hoped that nobody would ask for anything more. 

"Can you describe your appearance?" The man in the middle asked him. 

Dan looked up at him, confused. "Why?" 

Everyone was silent, not so much as a murmur could be heard, different from when the introductions had been going on. His heart beat quickened. He must have done something wrong. 

"It's just that Phil can't see, but he still likes to know what everyone looks like." He said, gesturing to the boy, Phil, with his hand, who smiled. 

Dan paused for a moment, waiting for somebody to explain what that meant, but nobody did. 

"Okay." He muttered, taking a deep breath and feeling his lungs shudder. "Uhm, I have brown hair and brown eyes, I have black studs in my ears. My hair is kinda styled like a fringe, to the left side. I'm wearing b-black." He decided not to mention the fact that he was wearing his shirt. 

Phil smiled once he finished, his eyes looking towards him but Dan knew he wasn't centered on him. "Nice to meet you, Dan." He said. 

Dan felt himself blush. His name rolled nicely off of Phil's tongue. He hoped nobody noticed his cheeks heat up. 

A few more introductions rolled by, and finally Circle group was over. 

Dan was first to leave. He bolted from the room and to his new room, seeing a bag of his clothes and a few possessions sitting on his bed. His parents must have dropped them off. Dan was glad to have his own clothes, shedding Phil's shirt and placing it back into the closet before pulling on one of his favourite black shirts. 

He laid on his bed, unless it was Phil's bed, but his things were on it. The thought of Phil made his heart skip. Thinking about sleeping in the bed next to Phil in this close proximity made Dan want to curl up and die but squeal with childish excitement at the same time. He couldn't let his thoughts be known though, no matter what. He could not let anyone find out that he was gay. Even if that meant acting as straight as he possibly could, he would do it. For once, he just didn't want to be alone and friendless. 

He heard the door open and sat up, seeing a hand feel it's way into the room, the hand belonging to Phil. 

Dan sucked in a breath. He was even more beautiful up close. He was wearing a blue button up shirt that had hearts decorating it, with black jeans to match. 

He watched him feel his way to his bed, which thankfully wasn't the one Dan was laying on. He wasn't sure what to say, so he stayed silent.

He watched Phil as he went towards the closet, and then began un buttoning the buttons along his shirt. 

Dan's breath hitched. He couldn't take his eyes away as Phil shrugged the shirt off his shoulders, apparently not noticing he was there. Dan wanted to clear his throat, something to make his presence known, but he didn't want to startle Phil, seeing as he clearly couldn't see anything. 

Phil's skin was pale, but Dan imagined that that was normal, being cooped up in this facility for God knows how long. He wondered how long Phil had actually been here before him, and for what. Phil seemed so happy, and although appearances could be deceiving (Dan knew from personal experience), he doubted Phil was here because of depression. Perhaps he would be able to get away with asking. 

When Phil unzipped the zipper of his jeans, Dan wished his teenage mind away. 

He felt insanely creepy, sitting here and watching Phil, but if he made a noise now, it would be weird since he'd already been watching him for this long. But he couldn't just keep silent. It was inevitable that Phil would find out he was there, watching him at some point. Dan was scared. His secret would be out, Phil would most likely hate him, and even worse was that he would probably be known as a pervert who liked to watch men undress. 

Phil was only in his boxers now. They were white with blue music notes decorating them. Dan didn't make a sound as Phil picked up the jellyfish shirt he'd been wearing earlier and threw it on. He felt around the closet again and pulled out pyjama pants decorated with Star Wars characters, to which Dan gaped at him. 

"Do you usually watch people undress?" 

Dan nearly jumped off the bed, his heart was hammering loudly in his chest. He was sure that was what had given him away. He swallowed, afraid to answer. He had no clue how to justify himself. 

"How'd you know I was here?" He asked nervously, choosing to just ignore the question all together. 

"I could hear you breathing." Phil replied, holding onto the corner of the bed for balance as he lifted the pyjama pants up his legs, his butt in the air and visible to Dan. He wanted to cry, this experience was too painful. 

"Why didn't you say anything then?" Dan asked, feeling rather outraged. He looked away, feeling extremely sinful for the scenarios that popped into his mind, not entirely unwanted but timed very badly. 

"It's my room." Phil said, offering a sideways grin in Dan's direction. He did have a point. 

"I-I'm sorry, I just didn't want to scare you, but I didn't want to be creepy either but you're just so beautiful and I-" 

"Thanks." Phil laughed, breaking off Dan's rambling. He didn't seem bothered by what Dan had said at all. In fact, Dan could see the ghost of a blush on his face. 

"I-it won't happen again, I'm sorry." 

Phil came towards him, feeling around for Dan's shoulders. Dan froze, gazing into Phil's blue eyes, which were haunting in the way that he was never really looking at Dan, yet he was aware that he was gazing at him. He had his full attention. 

"I don't mind, really. You don't have to be sorry, or be someone you're not. We're all accepting here." 

Phil grinned at him again, and Dan couldn't help but notice the way that Phil's front teeth were slightly crooked and grazing upon each other. He thought it was cute. 

"Oh." He muttered, unsure of anything else to say in that moment. Phil's hands were still placed on his shoulders. He'd never been touched like this by a boy before. All contact he experienced from boys were shoves or punches. This was new. Phil was friendly, and he seemed to know how Dan felt, towards him. He wasn't afraid, or disgusted. He wasn't sure whether this was some type of sick joke or not. 

"I've always liked brown eyes." Phil suddenly said, letting go of Dan and just standing in front of him now. "I don't know what they look like, but I've always thought they were beautiful. Everyone has blue eyes, and they're beautiful like the ocean, I hear. But brown eyes are dark, exhilarating, I think. All I see is dark, it's comforting." 

Dan stared. He didn't know what to say, he was at a loss for words, as well as not knowing what the hell Phil was going on about. Dan hated his eyes. There was nothing special about them. Why want his when he could have Phil's. Bright, matching his personality, glowing with excitement. His were empty and cold, dark was nothing compared to light. Light was always preferred. 

"What are you saying?" Dan asked, watching as Phil felt his way over to his own bed, lying down against the sheets and staring up at the ceiling, unable to see anything. 

"I'm saying I think you're beautiful too." Phil replied, his voice soft, barley above a whisper. 

Dan could still see Phil smiling. He swore he wanted the image burned into his dreams. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! I've been reading quite a few Phanfictions lately and have really been wanting to write my own, however, wasn't quite sure what to really write about. I thought up this idea and thought it was wonderful. So, here we are.
> 
> This is my first Phanfiction, so sorry if it isn't as good as it could be...
> 
> Feedback would be much appreciated :)


End file.
